January 2012 ~
It has been a brisk start to the new year. I again went on a girl getaway to begin the year. 2nd Annual I might add......Peace, quiet, beauty and friendship. The perfect start to a brand new year. I have known my friend Wendy for 35 years. The times we have shared is an incredible gift.

It has been raining like crazy here after a few snowy days. The month flew by after holidays and sickness. My niece became a teenager, my nephew is almost an age I don't want to admit, I lost every game of snow day Yahtzee, finally made some bread after a long hiatus, realized I may never play darts again and I have new found music loving people telling me they like my music. Some from as far away as Romania. Gotta love internet radio! And a spontaneous trip to the mountains where a most incredible sunset awaited my mom and me rounded out my January so far.

I have just finished yet another time of being without a computer. This time almost a month. Yes it takes 5 months to resolve buying a lemon computer and getting a replacement it appears. So please forgive the lateness of the blog.

I am really not feeling well today. So my creativity is not at it's normal pace of madness when it's snowy, rainy, wintery weather which I really enjoy. With this recent rainstorm the leak in my room continues to let MORE drops through and onto the wood floor. The dripping sounds makes me terribly irritated while trying to work but it is a little funny that my very capable husband said it only leaks when there is wind and rain. Um honey we live in Oregon.....and this is the second year for the lovely leaking.

So right now I am reading a lot of books not anywhere near the leak. I buy books (usually hardcover) mainly in January because of the bargains I find and then I start all of them at once. I then whittle it down to two or three so a few of my interests get an even share of reading time. I want to start a list of books I have read - maybe a lifetime list or at least all that I can remember.

My new books are about what drives you, stories from a chef, language and the words we use, old wisdom, a couple of novels, the science of music and when I venture into kindle I usually find a treasure. This one was a single... lying. Anyone who actually writes and prints a book about it is well worth my 99 cents. It isn't at all a funny topic as I disdain lying because of the damage it does. But for some reason it made me laugh when I saw the title. A whole book on lying! So far it's quite fascinating to me since I really enjoy the workings of the mind and human behavior.

There were two times in my life where I have been lied about to such extremes that it was staggering. It was in the midst of huge changes for me and a time where I was giving from a place I have never known. Which in turn makes me want to never do that again even though that's not the right attitude.Makes me wonder if people just want to feel better about themselves or they just love to invent things to make their past or even their present look good.Probably anything and everything. I just don't yet understand liers.

So this book has chapters that actually crack me up a bit. Shouldn't since it hurts to be lied about but really it's funny! At least today it is. There are chapters about types of lies, lies in the extreme, big lies etc. So glad I have this book since there was a whopper about me from a few weeks ago kinda rocked me a bit!

Maybe people should come to terms with their own selves first and then live life around others. Then you don't have to lie about the events in your life that involve other people.

My new album includes a collection of heartfelt songs. Some blatent truths from my life. Some beautiful memories about my family and God. Some about the people who try to pull you off the train of life. You are riding along and here they appear pulling and clamboring trying to either get on your train without a ticket or pull you off of it. With their lies, their words, their arrogance, their utter selfishness.
It is something that has plagued me for years. I attract mean people. No not all people in my life are mean I just simply have the ability to attract people who love to worm into my life make a big mess and leave me to clean up. I used to "make it all better" now I refuse to waste my time.

I have some of the best friends and family in the whole world. I also have a lot of people who have passed through my life and then some who seem to keep touching it from 1000 miles away long after I ever knew them. Some I just seem to draw without ever trying.

Arrogant people seem to LOVE me as do loud people, lesbians, scary hippie men in the park who follow me home and most children. Well at least they used to when I taught kindergarten. That was long before I got cranky though so who knows. The thing about scary hippie men and children is they are very well defined. What you see is what you get. Arrogant people sometimes lurk around pretending to like you until just the right time then they let their flag fly!

And stragely it's similar with the "now" lesbians. Those are the ones who I used to know when they were always married to a man, having children the old fashioned way, engaged or dating men when I knew them as friends. They never spoke of being anything but what they portrayed.They then magically reach a point where they are now lesbians. Surprise! And magically we are to not be surprised and act as if everything is exactly the same. And in my experiences with friends they don't even tell you. You find out on facebook or see a picture. Lovin the honesty....

And children are the best - with one look they can let you know if you are in or out. They often speak the truth when it's not considered appropriate. They are self absorbed but they don't know any better. I adore children probably because they are so truthful, innocent and yes adorable. They see the world so much differently and can laugh for no good reason.

So instead of writing songs to fix the troubling thoughts in my head or close off my heart for good because I am tired of mean people, I have decided to laugh hysterical belly laughs until it passes. Laughter is good medicine even though it leads to coughing almost always for me.

I am forever trying to make effort to live in peace with all people. I truly want to be at peace and for the most part I am. Hopefully like most things I will forget about all that troubles me very soon. But I still struggle with peacemaking and peacekeeping. I am really tired from trying to keep the peace! Making peace seems do-able.

So as I put large pots lined with towels underneath the incessant drops, I think of those who are like drips. Drip, drip, drip...how their words are almost tortuous. Oh don't misunderstand this is not whiny (since you can't hear my tone) I mean REALLY wasted time on mean people who will knife ya when you aren't lookin. Times where you give everything for someone else's good and then they would hang you if they could. And will always believe the worst about you in any given situation. Love thinks no evil so stop the love talk while you're holding the knife and rope :)

So in this brand new year (yes it is indeed time for new)I will not waste my time writing songs about the trail of heartache some people leave behind. I will no longer let their words creep into my mind. Ones such as these are not invited into my new year. Yes even on facebook. Crazy dangerous people aren't either which means I have to give up watching any news show.

My post on facebook relating to those who were not invited into my new year (tongue and cheek - no names just traits) brought out the old "don't judge" comment from someone who doesn't even know me. With that I thought anything regarding my life whether great times with loved ones or lies told about me behind my back I have EVERY right to my opinion. If that is judging then I certainly will. I could have directed their pious selves to 2 Timothy 3 but I refrained. I hate it when the bible is used to cut people down. Besides it leaves out all the people who have no idea what you are talking about.

And so it seems to fit together. My new books, learning about liers, my new album and a new year to no longer put up with people who would love nothing more than to squash me like a bug - at least in my rattled, coughing, raindropped, belly laughing world it all fits together.
(December below)

December 2011 ~
Time races like a rushing river at least it feels that way to me. I am getting better with the process and trying to make my time count.

Time is strange for me when I am in the midst of music making. I have to leave my normal world and immerse myself in all that it takes to make it happen. Then when I come out the other side it feels a bit strange like a huge sigh of relief and yet the letdown begins. Much like the holiday processes.

I could go on and on about the joys of the season though there are few I ever understand. Maybe it’s because I live close to family and have never needed to fly home for the holidays. Maybe it's because I don’t have children to share the time with. Maybe it’s because all I care about is being together with family and friends and I can do that any time.

Maybe it is simply that I hate the Santa part of Christmas. It wrecks it for me. The stresses and atmosphere that is created by all of it makes me want to hide. And shoot I bake and cook all year long!

It might be because it is often my musical time of year. I used to gig a lot and 4 out of 5 albums have been recorded in the fall or early winter. This last week is no exception as my fifth album is down.
I thankfully avoided all the germy people who go out and give the gift that keeps on giving.

I've been thinking about an old Tom Waits song lately. It speaks of not fully understanding until you live without it or a need that speaks louder than your own voice or even the whispers of others.
The song talks about not recognizing what you have until you have lived the other side, without it or from a different perspective.

An excerpt:

Never saw the mornin' till I stayed up all night
Never saw the sunshine till you turned out the light
Never saw my hometown till I stayed away too long
Never heard the melody till I needed the song.


I have been feeling that way for a time with certain things. I have seen the sunsets in such a different way now that my view is blocked. I have not appreciated the process of making music until it was all ruined and erased. Never appreciated my studio until I didn't have it anymore. I have never known commitment until I wanted to run away. And have never known caring until what you give is thrown down a drain.

There's been some heartbreak lately. Of watching one you love trade all that is good for the worst. Everything hoped for stopped in a second and life will never be the same. A family member dying way too young leaving disbelief. Love being tossed around like a football with no care in the world what becomes of it.

Maybe it is true like the song says - I didn't know as much as I thought I did until I was living the other side.

I have always known the extents of caring about others. Loving them. It did not take my dear friend dying to know how much I loved her. Or my family moving away to know how much I will miss them. I already know now how painful it will be to live life without my family if they go before I do. I already know because I have lived fully with them and my love for them is measureless.But I don't yet know the pain of living without them because I never have.

And in one instance with a person learning what love is when there is nothing from it but heartache and chaos has proven to be irritating, hurtful and a process I care not to learn. But my heart can't be dictated to although there is always someone who wants to take on that job.

Making music for others to hear during this time has been a vulnerability I was hoping to avoid. Probably because I feel a bit fragile right now. And I would sometimes rather not have my hearts journal open for all to read. Most the time I wince at the thought of letting people hear when I have no idea if anyone will listen let alone care about it. But the music within me has to come out.

This album is my most personal to date. All but one song I have lived every word. All were written before 2011. The songs have made me remember everything from childhood to love to mean people and betrayal. And realizing it is not getting any easier to do anything and music being no exception.

So yes I am thrilled my music is in the next season. So glad to finish what has had several false starts. I am glad that through hard circumstances music can be written and love can be strengthened. I am thankful for family and friends. And when the time comes to live without them I will have the best memories ever.

And I am thankful for the gifts within us all. We all have what the world needs. Sounds trite and so granola but I can't say it enough. If you don't share that which is within you people will miss out on the real you. And there is no one like you.

I know full well whether people like my music or hate it I must share what is within me or I am not the person I am to be. That is why this constant ringing within me turns into music and I have that artistic caged animal that must be released. That is one gift I can give.

I hope that instead of getting all tangled in the holiday frenzy of giving and buying of things that we would actually give the gift that is within us. Especially since this time of year allows lots of gatherings and times together. Call me crazy and obvious but if everyone let out the gifts within them the world would be a different place.

And no I don’t wish for world peace because with 7 billion people on the planet it will NEVER happen.

But I do wish for the truest parts within us to be given to the world. We all will be changed in some way if that ever happened.
(November below)

November 2011~
Such a long stretch without a computer….. I really didn't miss it except for when I wanted to update my blog. I have been busy with many autumn chores. Finishing the garden, putting up for winter and making all sorts of creations with food and song.

So here I am as the seasons are transitioning before settling into winter. The leaves are falling, the air has turned crisp and the colors are parading around making one last stance. The smell of smoke sneaking around.

Time seems to be sprinting. I am not sure how I feel about that even though one of my songs says it is alright for time to slip away. Maybe it really is alright since there is not a thing we can do about it. For me I try to live life to the utmost so when it rushes by it really is okay.

Living big and loving big come with risks. Life is a risk. The more you love the more you ache with goodbyes. The more you risk the more you can be letdown. The more you let out the risk becomes greater for your life work to be trampled on. The more you share the more it can be misinterpreted or not remembered correctly. The more you accomplish the more tired you are. But can we really live any other way? I can't.

Lately for me it has been a string of people throughout our home in a constant thread. Friends, family and dinners around tables.

It has also been a fun little flurry of musical contentment lately. I am learning how great it is to do and try doing only what I want with my music. I have done exactly that while tending to all the things I had put on the back burner for my music's sake.

In two months, I have recorded, sold CD's and my music is playing all over the world on internet radio. It is pretty great. I get to see in real time exactly where my music is being heard. Many different countries, states, offices, homes. My goal has always been exactly that. - To have my music heard and to bring affect to the people listening.

I am so far into this musical journey that I very seldom remember being nervous about it. Yes I still get butterflies whether playing live or sitting alone realizing I have just been heard by a stranger. But I seldom think of it as risk anymore. I risk every day and have learned it is always worth it. With my music the risk has lessened. In other places in life it has gotten greater and those too will lessen in time.

I’m not talking about risking my life or thrill seeking danger but in life and love. You risk every day in relationships where you love till there is nothing left. You risk words of others whose perception of you is their own right or wrong. I risk when I make food for others to enjoy. For my music to be liked or hated. To try a new venture. To share about dreams or what bothers you. Being married. Life is a risk - love is a risk and there is no way around it.

I have lived a lot of my life trying to be flexible with people and also to avoid rejection whenever possible. Funny I would let my music out then huh?

I have not always succeeded because I have let their voice be stronger than my own at times which is disastrous! I have loved deeply when they had no love for me at all. I suffered the deep sadness of loss with many who have died. But through it all people fascinate me. I always want to connect with people and when I can't or they won't I often feel the effects deeply.

I have also had to stop listening to the words that play on in my head about doing life a certain way. Things I have listened to because it's constantly swirling around. The local music scene, how to record music or the stigma of not having a paying job or not having kids. Being a step parent to grown children. There is advice all the time whether you want it or not.

But seeing people as individuals with their own mind, own experiences, own beliefs even when it's greatly different from your own life is a gift anyone can give. I simply had to throw out the rule book that gets written throughout life. I stopped using it quite awhile ago. There is so much I have had to re work. And in this ever changing world you have to.

I am learning to throw out what doesn't work and stay true to myself until it comes to pass. I'm sure that statement right there will be judged. Since we are to be true to a hundred people before ourselves in this society.

The crazy things people say for years can indeed make you crazy if you are the type of person I am. I am pretty literal when it comes to words spoken. I'm not much for platitudes and exaggerations although I have been known to use the word always far too much. But when I say something I mean it. And I always *wink* think people mean what they say. Trust me they don't!
Not always...

Words in my lifetime like: People never change. Smile when you feel like crying. That's just how I am! I am a ________ [insert any family name here] Money can't buy happiness. You will be married by then. You have to be gigging. But you're from rural America! You can have it all.You can't do that.

Every one of those is so not true for my life. I have changed so much in 20 years I can barely believe it. You can't change people but people change all the time. I NEVER smile when I feel like crying. I am not just born a certain way. Money does bring happiness but it doesn’t bring peace – big difference.
I got married well into my adult life. I have gigged for years and find little pleasure in it. And no you can't have it all because some things you have no control over. And I am from a small town and proud of it!

The words no one seems to hear are: You have to like/love yourself in order to like/love others. The bible says love your neighbor as yourself. No wonder there is so much crap in the world. Who really loves themselves in the right way? There is loving yourself and then there is selfishness. But people so fear being selfish they put themselves last and call it good.

And how on earth are we supposed to love ourselves when we are constantly bombarded with all the things we have to do for everyone else? Usually constructed in our own minds. Women especially struggle with this. I'm not sure why we think we have to please the whole world while leaving ourselves to pick up the leftover scraps of life. And then we call it good and noble and selfless.
Selfless is right - where did you go?

I decided a while ago to let the society stigmas go. Whether school, church or the media we are bombarded with these weird stigmas. A stigma is a sign of disgrace so that word may be a little strong but I think it resonates within us that way. If we have a career we aren't raising our kids correctly. If we raise our kids we are just housewives with no life. If we are heartbroken we act like we aren't. If we evolve and change through the years we just aren't what we used to be. If we "have it all" our health often suffers and we have time for no one. It never ends!

So for the last while I decided I will do what I am good at, gifted with, have wisdom in and do it often. I have decided I will learn new things but only what interests me. I will be more flexible in order to know people and love them. And I will let my music be heard all over the earth for free. So far so good!
I will love big and live big and the rest will all work out.
(August below)

August 2011 ~
It has been awhile since I have had anything to say and the time to gather the tidbits of thought which flutter around during the summer months. It’s hard to concentrate when the sun shines, the garden grows my food and time with people never ends. I love what sunshine and light bring. The longer days where options are plentiful and everyone feels positive… ahhh yes summer time.

On one hand I am glad to live in a seasonal state where each ones brings its’ own comings and goings but other times when things come to an abrupt stop, like my music during summer, then I wish for different.

I have however realized it’s not just the seasons or moods or ever changing band mates or other responsibilities, it is the choices. Life is so full of choices that it makes far too many options and never knowing if I made the best choice is usually top of my thinking. Having a plethora of options makes the stakes higher. You often feel like you should get the BEST and when it isn’t it brings big disappointment. When you choose from 5 things you can be quickly pleased. When you choose from 500 the possibility of choosing the best is far worse odds and life becomes a gamble. I don’t want my life to be a gamble.

I don’t mean in the big things of life although music is pretty huge to me I am talking about the wide array of choices for EVERYTHING in life. When I was younger there just weren’t that many choices. Certainly not with music as to how it was made. You couldn’t tweak, correct, post, stream, download or even record in your own room. I am sure some people were always capable of it but where I live….never heard of anyone doing any of that. That was left up to the professionals and they were pretty hard to come by in my area.

But back to choices…..the huge amount of choices in life has not left me with any sense of freedom rather it has left me with a headache from the endless decision making. I remember the first time I realized how many cereals there were in the store while shopping after I was an adult. I don’t eat cereal as a rule but when I was kid I loved it. I stood there amazed at how many choices there were and it bugged me. Our food has more choices than ever in history and we are sicker than ever as a nation. Go figure. Options do not mean freedom.

Coffee is no longer coffee, sun tan lotion is no longer just Coppertone, iced tea has more flavors than I can even count and water is no longer just water. There is limitless data and configurations for anything electronic. Music isn’t just vinyl, tape or disc. Pictures aren’t really pictures at all. They are what you create them to be. These choices are at our fingertips daily 24 hours a day, every day. Nothing is real anymore. Music, food, photos, images, newscasts, speeches, online “friends” none being actually what they are.

Some,I am sure, find it liberating to have what other countries don’t. I find it dizzying and for the most part would prefer to not have hundreds of choices a day. I wish there was one place to go to do music and one way to hear it. I wish there were 3 aisles in the grocery store with everything I needed. I wish there were one perfect style of jeans and shoes that never changed. But of course that is wishful and silly at this point.

There is one thing about recording music that many people don’t realize. Once you go there – there is no turning back. IF that is in fact what you enjoy doing, like I do, you will forever hear your music differently. Just while playing or working out a new song it will always be with the finished product in mind. At least that is how it is for me. Then the choices start flying around and dive bombing my times of playing. Of course those options are not new for anyone doing music but the options are available in our own hands now, our own way of doing it and it’s constantly changing.
All of this is overwhelming at times.

That is why I like the simple straightforwardness of my homemaking. I hate to even think of myself as a homemaker, given the years of slave like connotations and simply because there is much of it I truly loathe.

But the stuff that I love to do is from scratch and true. That’s how I like my music too.

When you hear my albums you hear me. You hear how it was done then at that moment. It’s human and real like the old days. When there was no screen to hide behind, no technology to make you sound different or cover what you did wrong. Sure we tweaked with Roads End a little given there was a full band and we recorded live. But we did sound like that.

Lately I have hated technology when it comes to being ANYWHERE public. There is constant pressure for the good picture for fear it will end up on facebook. Constantly swirling around is the fact that anything you do anywhere outside of your home can then be displayed forever on the internet. Some would say if you don’t have anything to hide then who cares? I say that is crazy. It’s not what I am doing that is the bother it is the pressure of it. I loved going to a baseball game the other night but I did not like the picture taken of me and posted.

The other night a strange acting man passed us while we were eating dinner outside at a restaurant. He was riding a bike and pointing a camera right at us. That is WEIRD! And I don’t like it. Where did those pictures go and what on earth was he doing? I thought about that throughout my dinner and hated the fact that there was a possibility of people seeing what this strange, sweaty, way too large for his bike peeper would do with those photos. It wasn’t what we were doing that bothered me it was that it invaded my mind.

It’s all about your own culture being lived out too. I am a rural girl. I LOVE the country, small towns, the peace and quiet I can find and the beauty that surrounds me. I live here by choice always have and would never leave the area I call home. People who live in New York City would think I am crazy to be bothered by decisions and weirdos since they live in constant states of busyness. Just as a techie musician would laugh at my failed attempts to make a record that sounds good from the freedoms of my own home.

I have been thinking a lot about logistical choices on a simple level. I have never taken a subway or train to work, but I have ridden both. Never had to catch a bus to get to a job, but have taken many a bus ride. Never have needed to catch a plane to see my family but I have flown so many times I lost count. I have never been in a million dollar studio but I have recorded 4 albums. I have never been without a car but have given many rides to those without one. I have never been without food and water but I have been with those who have. I have never been homeless but I have known ones who were. I have eaten with them and given to them. Our choices mesh together. We all have experiences from all sorts of angles on the same things. Much of the progressions are exactly the same process just done for different reasons or in different locales.

Those who criticize the rural life have obviously never sat by a river in silence. They perhaps have never picked fresh blueberries from the bushes or admired the wind blowing across a wheat field. Have they seen Crater Lake at sunrise covered in snow with nothing but complete silence for hours? Have they made a fire on the beach and roasted marshmallows? Have they ever been in a hammock at dusk with the one they love listening only to the birds and the wind? Have walked barefoot through the grass and borrowed from their neighbors? Maybe…maybe not.

Those are the simple choices some cannot even fathom as their bombardment is even more than choice. It is noise and money making in order to live. It is being invisible amidst the crowds and technology. And for many whose vacations are not complete without a laptop, Bluetooth, GPS and list of all Wi-Fi spots. Those bring far too many decisions for any type of creativity to happen.

I envy at times ones who have little to no choices. I have never envied the countries with nothing but poverty but I think they have treasure within them we know nothing of. I think their minds and hearts are deeper holding only what matters. At times I have tapped into that when someone dear lies dying and all that matters is life and death and their breathing. There is no room for anything else.

I have taken great measures to not succumb to the halting force of choices. I am not liberated in the slightest by the endless abyss. I am at the very least annoyed and at the very most stopped in my tracks and therefore at times produce nothing but rampant thoughts especially musically.

I have worked hard at creating my own slice of life with less influence from the millions of choices. I shop less and create more. I grow more food and cook more. I spend more time at home than out. I see people far more around our own dining tables rather than a strangers table with their pages of menu options and blaring musical choices. I spend more time enjoying my decisions in life rather than the constant lookout for the next thing. I use things until they no longer work rather than trading up to the latest greatest. I make time to take it all in. I prioritize and do more of what really matters.

Now if only I can settle down and not think about choices and how my music will sound and how to record it in a way I want it to sound. It’s hard when parts play in my head constantly. When I hear 7 different ways to create a song and I need to settle on one. But if I simply play for the pure joy of it knowing it will be captured I will have what I want in the end. Songs to share and be played where I am and everywhere I am not.

The latest story was hearing that my music played for two nights overlooking Yosemite. Oh the joy of knowing my music and voice was there playing into the vast beauty with the stars being the acoustics holding my stories and the many people who I sing about.

The album was my live CD which simply captured an evening in my life. Simple, not polished, not tweaked just real music.

No endless lists of choices necessary, no decisions to be made but simply to play my music and have it captured so many can listen. And that is enough.
(June below)

June 2011 ~
Spring and summer have taken their own sweet time getting here and staying here. I usually fit right in since I hate hot weather but this time around I am impatiently waiting for some nice sunshine. My garden is almost to lose all patience.

My favorite time of year is springtime and even with all the rain I am thankful for the beauty it has produced. I have been in a slower pace lately while the cold rainy weather has lasted.

I am in a weird season kind of like the weather. I feel like I have lived my life in reverse sometimes. Reverse of what is expected, what is deemed normal and accomplishing most of all I have wanted to at a young age. I don’t believe I have reached some sort of acme but I do know for a fact I never put off life and I am very content. But I fight the statuses on Facebook and I fight the voices that seem loud at times.

Lately what I hear or read at times makes no sense at all…to me... I am not longing for something I never did. I am not tallying all I do in a day or every goal I have ever achieved. I don’t have a bucket list because I have already done what would be my list. There is no app for what I do on a daily basis. And sometimes I feel like I am never understood let alone known.

There are times I want to reach into some of my days and prove myself to the “masses” all that I was doing back in the day when they weren’t interested. And all that I am doing now that has no app.

There is something strange that has come over me lately to where I want to line up my trophies, awards and accomplishments tally all that I do in a day and post it all. I have done many years ago what I set out to do – please don’t lecture me on goals. I have no need to go backwards.

I have great admiration for many who tout their accomplishments. All they have done is wonderful and perfect for them. Some things I would never do nor have any desire to but I am proud that they are reaching what they wish for. Could they perhaps be happy I have lived mine and still am?

I know it’s wrong – terribly wrong to ever want to prove myself. I have never been that type of person so I’m not sure what has come over me lately. I think I am just tired from listening to everyone else. I am not interested at all in achieving what some people are doing but I am thrilled for them. I would never wish to do it and would never make it a priority ever. But I encourage them in what they do because in achieving their goals they are true to themselves.

I really never had a goal that I didn’t work really hard to achieve. Then came recording! Some goals have been met since I have 4 albums and played on two others but oh the work it takes now for a non- techy songwriter without her studio! But I will never forget hearing myself on the local radio station and though wanting to hide under my desk I was thrilled. My goal of wanting my music to be heard just became bigger and met all at the same time.

When I look back at all I set out to do I was always in my own category. There were no other people I knew who were at my age doing what I was. While people went off to college, got married, moved away or raised kids, I was busy running my business in my home town. I lived a business degree. But there was lots more to my life.

I was involved in my community, family and often had three jobs at once. I had the energy, the drive and the desire. I moved out on my own and bought my own business by the time I was 19. I taught children and volunteered with many organizations.
I advocated for the underprivileged; I employed people. I took many classes at the community college; I played music 4 times a week and taught kids music. I traveled a lot and I farmed in the summer some years and had city teams that I sponsored and played on. People were in my house all the time. And somehow I did all of it at once.

I say this because it’s simply who I was/am. I had goals and lived them. I didn’t wait and I didn’t brag. I got a coaching position and a crazy great job offer (that I didn’t take) that most people would have jumped at but my priorities were different. Just turned down and excellent job recently that was handed to me on a silver platter. I am not of the norm.

I miss those days sometimes but for the most part I wouldn’t trade where I am right now for anything. This too was a goal. I have slowed down a lot and tire easily. I have lived everything I have ever purposed (that is within my power to) and I live a very full life now just differently.

So it’s been 5 years since I stopped working a regular paycheck job. I have recorded albums, gigged, written, grown and made our food and worked my rear off at my home. I have helped my husband in his business, traveled and have been around for my family.I am a step parent,a daughter, an aunt, a grandma and a sister along with being a wife and friend. My life is full.

I have made food for a lot of people even a party of 60 people at my house. I have built fence, painted the house, made garden beds, hauled dirt and gravel and written volumes. Sometimes this is harder than my last desk job by about 50 times. But it is simply this season. And I have lived many before this one.
I don’t need coaxing to keep going or accomplish more or fulfill some bucket list.

Sometimes I want to smack myself for listening or caring at all what people think. Other times I want to just say I ALREADY LIVED THAT! Or why don’t you care about the life I have lived and am still living? When I walk into someones house and my music is playing a goal is fulfilled. It's just without anyone knowing it. So when someone says so "What have you been up to lately?" How do you say "Well I have been very happy with hearing my music play at someones house and made my own cheese today" or " I heard myself on the radio and was glad my goals were met" ---- let's face it it's not normal dinner chat.

I guess I am supposed to want a big career or degree. People can always meet you with gleaming eyes if you speak of those. I don’t want that. Never have and never will. If I did then I would have done that.

I think back to my years in one church where people literally couldn’t make a move without yes votes from others. Grown adults waiting for approval. Insane to me.

Yet here I sit struggling to even talk about my life to most. How do you bring up the fact that someone wrote to me and my music changed their life? How do you talk about the times when sick people were more comfortable when I played for them or when I wrote wedding and funeral songs? How do I say I made a meal from everything I grew and was perfectly happy. Hmmm not normal topics.

I will never choose to be stuck helplessly like chewed gum underneath a table waiting to be pulled up and stuck somewhere else like with church life of years past. But often they are the ones supported with money and praise and usually a listening ear. I am usually the one giving all of those. Somehow their desire is more important than mine. I don't like that at all.

Somehow being altruistic is reserved for leaving the country or at least the state you are in. So strange. Peace Corps? YES. Studying abroad? YES. Mission trips? YES. Money is thrown at those things like candy at a parade. Fundraisers and making people "aware" is huge. And the chiding for not doing enough usually is stuck in there somewhere.

Staying with community and helping neighbors, spending your own hard earned money for yourself and others, supporting and loving people where you are is just not as cool. Joining Red Cross? YES! Helping a friend through cancer? Not so much.

It is simply labeled staying home or not working. No big support. Making music is just plain silly to most. Working at home is crazy without children involved or making your won food. "Why do you make that when you can go to the store and buy it?" I get that a lot. Read the label and get back with me.

I’m thrilled to be given what I call a gift from God. I along with millions of others have music within them. It touches people because they write to me and tell me so. Music is powerful enough to change people’s behavior and blood pressure. It’s very much a part of science. Music alters brainwaves. The brain produces its own rhythms during sleep and activity. And of course we know of the plant experiment. Some don’t care about any of it…but I do! The bigger gift is love which I do deeply but still struggle.

So I keep making music for others to hear. Seldom is a meager dollar thrown my way for a song. Any cave man can do it right? There are millions who make music but there are also millions who don’t.

Any cave man can get on a plane and fly around the world and love people too with others money. Anyone can teach for free. Love for free and anyone can live in community and give money back into programs for local interests. Anyone can learn. Anyone can learn to cook or change a tire or build a house. Anyone can love. Anyone can lose weight. Anyone can earn money...right?

No not everyone can and many have no desire to. I’m really not sure what makes the levels of accomplishment worthy of discussion.

It’s not education, need, lack of desire or age. It’s not discipline or specialness. I really don’t know. It’s not the money aspect either it’s the attitude behind it that I struggle with. It was much easier with my business. People paid me for a product and I made a product they wanted. Simple.

Maybe it’s the fact that there is fame attached to the arts. Actors, musicians, artists….there is fame involved that is not so with other endeavors or careers. I never set out to make a career of music. But at times it is my job. I have tax receipts and claim the money I make. I am responsible to the people who hire me. But I can feel success without fame since that was never my goal. I never wanted to become a famous pizza place either but was very successful in my business.

I would never want a record deal and I would HATE fame but somehow that seems to be the only marker for success even though I don’t want it any more than I want to go to school for a degree.

Maybe working my old office job for 10 hours a day and being stressed would be more worthy of conversation... I don’t know.

BUT the big BUT……… It would be nice to be acknowledged for my life instead of being nagged to strive for more. Or bugged about why I’m not doing something differently.

The fact is certain passions are deemed worthy and certain passions aren’t. It usually depends on success but not always. Money is always in the factoring with most people. Free never gets attention unless your getting something.

If I sell my songs for $50,000 a piece or become a famous chef maybe that would be a worthy wage and people would like to chit chat about it. But if I play for sick people, make CD's without ever breakin even, gig for free and growe my own food and invite people to my house for dinner… it is just me not having a job. I’m starting to get it. Really it's living out my passion and loving what I do...which is no different from any other time in my life.

But we all know fame is not success anymore than working out makes you a model. And the amount of money you make is not always the measure of deemed success. Ask my husband who makes what many doctors do. The responses and respect from people are not the ooh and ahhs you would get if he was a doctor.

So without any apps to track me, no teachers, no degree, no bragging, and no fame I embark on my latest musical project and eagerly await the growing season at my home. And the days I fight with peoples words (which would be today) I look back at all I have done this far with no need of a bucket list and say..... Yes I have and yes I will.
(May below)

May 2011 ~
The sun finally came out and spring has just started to show itself. I am always quite content when I tend to my flowers, herbs and the very firsts of our vegetables. The smell of cut grass and wafts of smoke from burning and grilling are starting to fill the air in the evenings.

The rise in temperature has made the mood of our house a bit lighter and like clockwork we are ready with our seasonal list, discussing it in the sun.I enjoy all of it and prefer it so much to inside work. I am looking forward to this favorite time.

It has been an interesting couple of weeks. There was a Royal Wedding last week. It brought mixed reactions from most everyone I know. There were those who could care less, those who enjoyed it immensely and those who thought it was of bad taste since there were catastrophic storms in many states.

There were those who lost everything in tornados that were unrelenting at the same time a fairytale was being lived out in London.

I was never a fairytale dress up as a princess type of girl and could not care any less than I already do about such things. I had very few dolls, did not play dress up and never begged to go to a fairytale movie when I was growing up.
Nevertheless, I really appreciate a formal affair, weddings and tear up at vows being spoken. I love proper classical music (and even opera.) There is nothing quite like the way the royal family does it.

Yet in the midst of this, people were experiencing devastation in our own country. So should the Prince become a pauper because of your misfortune? I think not.

It has always baffled me that we are often pressured to jump one way or the other. It seems many people concoct this bizarre protest because others don’t have the same luxuries.

What I am making mention of is reactions to world events involving strangers. Whether in Japan, Alabama, London and Pakistan within a few days there were vast reactions about virtual strangers. In ways we would never react within our neighborhoods.

We are all bent in some way and I can tell you if that tornado wiped out my family in Tennessee I would have felt differently. But I have to wonder why on earth we degrade our capacity to feel more than one emotion at a time? Are we one dimensional robots? Can I not very thoroughly mourn the loss and very thoroughly celebrate love at the same time?

That is in fact exactly what I did. I watched online bits of a prince and princess pledge their love and then sat with my husband and watched horrific disaster footage in Alabama. I smiled and appreciated one enjoying every minute and had tears and heartache within a few minutes because I am human. I am fully capable of both.

The people who make a distinction and demand that you choose, causes me to ask “What is your strange protest going to accomplish?”

I understand strong emotions or even apathy at times but I do not understand why we think we must put all of our thought and emotions into one basket especially about people we don’t even know!

I live a within a block of two churches. One is having a wedding while the other is hosting a funeral service. The wedding bells peal, while an ambulance siren screams down the same street to the hospital. Are we really to choose which one we side with? Shall I make signs and demand everyone mourn or celebrate or hurry to the hospital?

When Bin Laden was killed, people were incensed while others celebrated. I personally will never cheer when someone is shot in the head. I can't even stand shows that portray such violence. But I do in fact love justice. Instantly there were sides drawn. Even within me but it took two seconds for me to feel both justice and sadness.

I do feel an incredible relief and yes in fact I stuck my head a little higher in the air knowing an amount of justice has been served. I love our country. I feel both ways. I am a human being that uses only a portion of my brain and yet I am capable of both emotions within minutes. I hate murder and love justice. Don’t make me choose.

There is a mindset that when bad things happen to people, we are to feel only one emotion. I guess to prove we are caring and empathetic. This is not true grief or mourning I am talking about. This is ‘I refuse out of protest to feel good about my life because someone else is having a hard time.’ When I person loses their home I don’t refuse to mow my own lawn out of some strange protest that they lost their home!

Should the children born on 9/11 not celebrate their birthdays ever again in silent protest to the atrocities of that day? Should they never eat cake again? Please tell me people will think beyond this someday! (I already realize there are so many who do not think like this they just aren’t loud like the others.)

There is always a time to mourn and a time to be joyful. Someone laughing hysterically at the foot of the church steps after my Grandfathers funeral was just not right. It was poor taste and not empathetic in the slightest. And mourning at a wedding is so terribly rude. But I have sung at funerals and weddings while my heart was breaking. I have cried with those hurting while having a great day of my own. I celebrate my momma on Mother’s Day even though I am so sad I am not a mother. I am capable of both. It’s called LIFE.

So while the world seems in upheaval, it’s because this is our time for living just like all the ones before us. It’s nothing new. There will always be weddings the same day as a funerals and war and famine. There were always be evil in our midst. There will always be triumph while defeat happens next door. There will always be celebrations, even elaborate ones while people are poor or have lost it all in a storm. It is life.

There is no need for a corporate stance on what you feel. There is no need for a creepy invisible line to be drawn in the sand for people's toes to touch. There is no need for a rally or a long form dissertation to prove how you feel and why you are right about Bin Laden being killed. There is no need for the Prince to become a pauper because someone 1000 miles away lost their home. There is always reason for people to shut it and think before speaking though.

Right now I am mournful, excessively thankful, incredibly content and outraged all at once. It is a beautiful day. I am a human. We live in a big world. This is life.
(April below)

April 2011~
Today is the first ten days of a month that I have set aside for some personal goals. I was wishing music was one of them but music has escaped me for a while. It’s not that I haven’t played or wanted to but it just has been an aside.

I am reaching other goals and am thrilled about it. Someday I might share.

My love of self-sufficient living, gardening, writing, cooking, baking bread and studying history, along with classes I am taking, has all taken me away from what I was immersed in for so long. There is always a project I am working on that has NOTHING to do with music. I don’t think it is the end but it surely is something new for me. And the songs just won’t be forced. I tried they won’t budge.

I am allowing them to get inside me now instead of just writing, performing, recording and then starting again at the top. I have had songs written for an album for over two years but I am just now letting them become my own without any rules, crowds, bands or redundant practices for recording. For me this is what works. I just haven’t made the time like a once did for all things music. I have many more things to accomplish.

The songs are now part of my days while I do other things that make me incredibly content.
I have been thinking a lot lately about receiving, especially when giving is demanded from so many sources these days. Give to this organization and that country and the list goes on and on. The random chiding on Facebook about how we must give even gets old. I will give how I want to… thanks.

It is hard to give to someone who doesn’t receive. It makes a givers way almost impossible. Giving is great but I often wish there was as much talk about receiving. You simply cannot give freely to someone who will not receive.

Granted there are people who give with demands to be met and a price to be paid which I will have no part of. Aside from those instances we could learn so much if we learned to receive. From the smallest of things to the biggest there is always something to be welcomed.

Some of the most awkward and frustrating times is when you try to give and it is rejected.
I’m not sure where I learned to receive. It was not always easy for me. I think it was a gradual life process with the capper being at a time in my life that involved a lot of change, a lot of opposition from people and a lot of nasty meanness. Those times that define a portion of your life. For me there were a few defining seasons and this was one of them.

A time when little made clear sense and I was giving from places I didn’t even know I had. Even my reserves were tapped and I was completely out of my element. I also happened to give up everything including a big job offer to get me to this place....this timeframe that changed me in so many ways.

As I was giving to exhaustion I learned to receive the deepest things a person can receive. Pretty personal and all mine. After that everything was pretty easy. I learned to live with arms and hands a little wider. Sadly I didn’t realize I also received all the rottenness people freely gave me during that time and it took a while to get rid of it. A long while.

I learned a lot about people and how cruel they could be about people they claimed to love. So words meant very little from most. Yet the words about me meant a lot. So strange how we take in mean words, criticism, slander without even a thought. But yet compliments, comfort, gifts, gestures we often say or do anything to not receive it.

When bad things are said we grab them tight and never let them go. Some people still recall words spoken 20 ago. If only the good could have been remembered too.

But that's hard when you can’t receive it. It was and sometimes still is hard for me to not remember lies and gossip and cruel words.

There was one time in particular during this defining time in my life where I knew I had crossed over into truly receiving. And it wasn’t in a typical way at all. Usually you learn with money or a gift or someone being kind. Especially when you are broke. Those things have always been part of my life experience.

At the time I was in my 17th year of some sort of ailment that has altered my life significantly. That’s what I call it. A chronic ailment. I want to say disease but that sounds so harsh even though it is one. It's some form of arthritis that has never been fully explained. I have tried everything known to man to conquer and have done fairly well battling this troublesome irritant.(though there is forever someone trying to fix it)

I have ways of doing things that work for me. The way I play guitar or the way I discipline myself with sleep and diet. I have lived my life around it and it has never defined me.

It’s something few in my life even knew about but someone had obviously told these dear people about it. I respected them very much and they were a lot older than me so I doubly respected them. I did not know these people very well though.

One day out of the blue they came to me and handed me $20. They then very sharply told me to go to the store and buy this certain cure-all and that would be the end of my physical troubles because it worked for them. It was as if they thought I had never once thought of a cure.

I instantly wanted to refuse the money and say there is no way this will work – not only had I tried it before but what I have is not cured by this. But they looked me in the eyes with true compassion but also very much like they were scolding a child (I was in my 30’s at the time) but something came over me to receive this gesture. Had I chose what has been done to me so many times I would have refused the kindness, the love and possibly missed out on a friendship.

It would have made them feel awkward around me after that and that is never right to do to someone. So instead of being right which would have been SO great during that time I instead opted for the givers feelings. (and I did buy the cure all and no it didn't work)

Many years after that I remember that exchange and think if only everyone would just receive it would make life so much easier.

Sure it sounds cliché but truly what is the reason for getting in the back of the line, saying no thank you to something wonderful and being embarrassed about a kind offer? Even an offer that doesn’t work! Do you ever think of the giver?

It’s like the dinner guest who refuses to eat and waits until the food is cold. Or the person who will not receive a compliment. So tiring.
Sure in light of everything huge in the world that is nothing. But it is an example of how hard people make it when they live with a closed hand or heart. It can turn people away from you and there ends up being silence and awkwardness that is seldom overcome. It’s hard to be around people who say "Oh no thanks" TO EVERYTHING!

That is precisely why I honk at crosswalks to the people who refuse to cross after I obey the law and stop my car. It’s true... I actually point to them and honk my horn after they wave me on and I refuse to budge either. And it is almost always old grumpy men. Old ladies cross without even looking but not old men!

They stand and stare you down while you stop then turn their heads and wave you on. Makes me sin just sitting there with my thoughts of strangling them! The horn works wonders on their crosswalk martyrdom.

It’s something to think about. It doesn’t have to be a big thing and certainly let’s not put up with idiots who make giving all about their needs with a “price tag” dangling just for you….. But the next time someone offers you something real in word or deed just except it already!

In line at the grocery store, at the cross walks, gifts, a smile, money when you need it, a compliment, food when you are sick, work done for you. Stop refusing! Get over it and think of the giver if they have no motive other than kindness.

I now (when appropriate) jump right in line and say thanks to every good gift. Every time I do, I give back just by receiving. Look at the eyes of the giver and see how they look when you receive something they are offering in kindness. I don’t want to stop the giving. I don’t want to alter friendships and even casual acquaintances.

I want to know people and love them.
I want my life to make a difference and be remembered which takes giving and receiving. Graceful living.
(March below)

March 2011~
In three months I have become a Grandmother, spent time in awe of a natural wonder of the world and I’ve gotten another year older. Those were the main things with so many others in between.

I was also sick for about 30 days if you add them all together. I have celebrated and been thankful for my life and getting older is great if you want to live life.

I have also viewed the most devastating footage I have ever seen of a natural disaster in my lifetime. The tragedy in Japan has left a long list of things to think about. One being at how incredibly gracious these people are.

Just now as I write this there was an article I saw on the fact that there is no looting. I had figured there wasn’t or we would have seen it on the vast TV coverage. I suspected, with my very little experience with that culture and never having been there that the culture there is different in a good way.

I did think back to a few very cool Japanese students who were in my home briefly many years ago. There was such a respect in their words when they spoke of parents, grandparents and their culture. And their manners were impeccable.

Though I am heartsick about the devastation at the same time I am deeply impressed with what I have viewed. I have seen order, respect, care for others and a calmness I have not seen before.

I watched a man sitting with a group of people, having nothing but offering what food they had to the reporter. When the reporter refused insisting they needed it far more than she they said they had plenty.

How unlike the stories and footage of our own country in the wake of Hurricane Katrina! There was looting, bitching and overall mayhem in riot form. Someone owed them something. If you don’t earn money then you have no ownership. Without ownership you are entitled to anything.

I see none of that rotten attitude in this coverage of Japan. They are not looting or hurting others but rather helping. The very young and the very old are exempt from this dutiful care while the others help serving their families, friends and fellow people. That is commendable on every level.

I see this insidious mindset when someone who is half my age declares being sad for Japan just isn’t enough. You have to go there and help. Really? This is someone with no job and never has earned a dollar or paid taxes and their sweet uninformed life. Isn’t it so easy to go abroad and help a country while stealing from your own?

If you are a burden to your own country why would Japan want you?

I refrained from saying anything but sure did think about it. It’s so easy to command the workforce who support you to leave their jobs and homes to help another country. If you can go and are not a burden then by all means go and/or give. Giving is good but don’t do it to relieve guilt. Or use someone's hard work to do it.

For some reason many in our great country think it’s their right to live on someone else’s hard work. Living on unemployment (when jobs were good), free healthcare, food stamps, schools for their many children they chose to have and yet often they are ones who demand we must help. Perhaps more would if there was money left over after supporting them!

I am not talking about the poor among us, the sick and the elderly or the mentally handicapped. We must help them always.
I am referring to the able bodied, young, capable people of our society who could work if they chose to.

I had to think to myself, how on earth do these people think they can help another country when they can’t help their own families and neighbors?
I saw great care and great restraint while viewing the disaster coverage. Not so here even without a disaster. Entitlement is an awful thing.

Lately, I have been thinking of something so simple that few ever do. I was reading about the germs and bacteria found on grocery carts. I was thinking about the ones who have died and were near death because of deadly germs.
Our food sources, our environment, workers germs and any surface. We are always being exposed to germs that can even be fatal. Grocery carts, office surfaces, restaurants and staff who work while they are sick.

If we simply washed our hands that simple gesture can save lives. But yet we refuse to do the simplest thing to help. Yet some of these guilt givers want to jump on a rescue plane to be on a mission.

Maybe a better plan would be to be a responsible person here at home and then do something really simple like wash your hands! And stay home when you are sick!

So I come away from this horrible world event shaking my head for many reasons. The intense power of nature, the mind-blowing devastation and loss these people are going through and the utter disbelief in some of the idiotic mindset in this great country of ours.

Here is what I have listened to this past week. We are to stop living, not have any fun, jump planes, give money, quit making the world “warm” and of course the age old this is the end of the world.
In 1635 a hurricane hit Massachusetts Bay and all thought it was the apocalypse even then. They were not warming up the planet and it was not the end of the world. There have always been horrific natural disasters and there always will be.

Sadly many are not prepared. They have nothing to help with and nothing set aside and are unwilling to give what they do have. They live off of others, enjoy entitlement and will have nothing to offer their fellow people when disaster strikes here.

Many will not be healthy enough to help anyone because they eat and drink whatever they want to excess. I am not lumping everyone into a tiny category. We live in a great country and there are hardworking people making a difference every day and even fighting for our country. But we don’t even take care of military families how on earth can we care for others when we don’t take care of our own? The ones “taken care of" are the ones who drain society and give nothing back.

From what I have seen in Japan, they are poised, helpful, orderly and kind in the midst of utter chaos and heartache. Many people here in the US are too. But the last major disaster we had was the opposite in every sense with lawlessness and mayhem abounding.

And when I look around I see a lot of young people unwilling to work. I see people willing to help a foreign country while sucking the life out of their own.
Yes we have a lot to learn from the Japanese people during this crisis.

We will never learn while thinking we are entitled.
We will never move through a crisis when free just isn’t enough.
(February below)

February 2011 ~
I have had some amazing days lately. Nothing to do with things but rather the miraculous. The beauty of the world, the joy of family, the love of others, the birth of a baby and being in the beautiful sunshine and snow was incredible!

It took me 5 days away from all communication to realize how much I loathe it at times. Not all but some. Texting has become for some like quick thoughts soon forgotten while doing something else. That’s not communicating.
That’s not a real plan. It’s an alarm clock going off again and again when you have nowhere to be.

And facebook is really fakebook for the most part. The crazy little blurbs commenting on my life by people who don’t even know me. Why do I do it?

I enjoyed my time away that I was craving. Technology has made me available 24/7. A terrible blunder on my part. And how I spend precious time on a computer because life is lived through it so much and yet I hate it. Blazing high speed yeah right! Loved the freedom that being away gave me.

So to get away after a wonderful Christmas time with my family though also a bittersweet season for me and B so to be in the midst of miracles was welcomed. Creation and friendship.

Miraculous: occurring through divine or supernatural intervention. 2. highly improbable and extraordinary and bringing very welcome consequences.

Seeing Crater Lake at almost sunrise - viewing a miracle. Creation is my favorite miracle. But the miraculous was being their with my friend of almost 35 years and being able to physically do the trekking. Friendship and my physical ability are always miraculous to me.

The birth of my grandson a few days earlier. Birth is definitely a miracle! But the miraculous was how my heart felt when I simply viewed his picture. He came quickly in emergency so it was a surprise to us he was early and the scheduled c section was no longer a plan.

There is not the same bond, the same story or the same feelings if it were my daughter having the baby (anyone who tries to bs ya on that one is crazy…. have I mentioned facebook? ) and few know anything about my husbands life or family. She lives hundreds of miles away and I don’t know her like I wish I could but I love her dearly.

And here was this precious baby, my grandson. My feelings about him were miraculous. My heart moved the moment I saw him even though I loved him already. I adore babies but this was different. He is family.

I have read a few articles at different times and heard for years how when you are single its all about you and you are basically selfish until you have kids.
I’m sure that is true some of the time like most things. But not altogether true. Just because you aren’t married doesn’t make you selfish. And just because you don’t have children doesn’t make you that way either.
Though I know what they mean to be saying how it’s now about the family, kids, their needs basic and otherwise.

But it most certainly IS about you as a parent at least to some extent. You define the rules, you create the atmosphere you see fit, you make the home, you teach them what you wish to, you make rules and guidelines for them that is your idea, you raise them with the beliefs you have, how to work or not work, what to eat or not eat, you choose how they spend their time, bedtime, schooling, where they go and who they can spend time with. You love them your way.

Many parents define their worth by their children or better yet their children’s “diagnosis”
I know parenting is selfless, tiring, and never ending as it changes your life forever. But it is totally about YOU too. I would truly in all seriousness like ask a few moms what would you be doing if you didn’t have kids? Their answers would be so interesting to me.

My life has always been about yes myself (why wouldn’t it be) but also about 100+ other people. My family and friends.
Most of the people in my life do not intertwine - they don’t know one another. Some circles yes but there are many circles who know not a soul from my other circles. I have never been defined by only one group of people.

But my life as a single person was never all about me and it still is not. It’s about my family, people I gave a home, taught, hired, all the endless weddings I was in, songs I wrote and played for funerals and weddings, caring for my sick friend, feeding the homeless, my town, my church and the endless activity that entailed and all the money I gave to keep it all going. It was about my families busineses, friends, employees, band mates, co-workers, employers, customers. My commmunity.

Trust me it was often not about me at all. It was the hours I spent on people and they time they spent on me. The time we gave and the love we share(d). My life was also about their choices, their life story, their love, their success. None of that has changed.

Its about working it out with all of them. How much you let them see and how much they let you see. With kids you have no choice. You live together and make the rules until they are adults and you love them with an indescribable love.

Am I saying that parenthood is easy? No not at all. Am I comparing friendship to parenting? No not at all. I am comparing selfishness vs. parenting. Parenting is not the only “selfless” activity on earth. It’s selfless because you love.

Should I even note the countless mothers I know who left their small children? 4 different mothers come to mind. Childbirth doesn’t create selflessness. It’s a choice and it stems from love. Love is miraculous.

My friends-some having not a shred of commonality. Often the commonality is me. They would of course have their own similar interests but what would bring them together in the same room is me. I have always said a party with all my different friends would be awkward. My funeral will be easy. Morbid I know.

So in my life I have had the pleasure of meeting people from all walks of life. Some have remained in it forever with a bond I can’t explain. Some were on an airplane or time spent in different countries or cities. Some have disappeared even in the same town.

But I never got to make the rules or decisions for their lives. I never got to say you can’t move there or you have to be home at a certain time for your own good. Never did I get to say you can’t do that or else. Or ground them when they screwed up. I have said goodbye to so many by death or moving away, I can barely count them all.

You feel the heartache with them through sicknesses, joys, them having children, jobs, divorces, marital strife, affairs, belief, getting older, deaths, hobbies and passions. You don’t get to say how they celebrate, or grieve or how they spend their time.

You make no guidelines for them you simply offer yourself. You get to share love. You also at times get hurt, talked about and sometimes lied to. It’s all life. But you have no control.
Keeping ongoing relationships is work! It takes time and patience, listening and planning.

To me friendship is miraculous.
You have nothing holding you together unless you both agree to be. But you can’t love people and be selfish at the same time. You just can’t be. Love is powerful. It takes you away from yourself.

So….next time I hear about single and selfish in the same sentence I think I will unload. There are hundreds of selfish married people and single people. And hundreds of selfish parents. But there is love available to everyone. Love is not selfish.

The meeting of people from completely different backgrounds and belief and loving eachother seems miraculous to me. It is losing someone dear to overnight death and somehow making it through the next day or weeks like my Grandma and friends have. Or having someone you love go through the most horrific thing imaginable remembering it every time you look at them.
It's surviving a crazed shooter shooting you in the head.

It’s conquering your biggest fears or creating life within your body.
The miraculous is not furthering your knowledge or career - it’s overcoming odds everyday without becoming an ass. It’s not winning the football game or how many miles you run in a day. That’s something you do.

The miraculous is not just surviving lung cancer when you smoke 3 packs a day. The miraculous is not to start smoking when you want to.

It’s not about being excellent in what you do it’s about not being able to do them and yet somehow still do them. Beethoven = miraculous. So hard of hearing excuses don’t work for me. Along with a plethora of other excuses people make while others worse off accomplish it... smiling and are happy.

The miraculous is any woman who wanted marriage when she was lawful property. Slaves, able to be beaten….... yet women in the years after that still married when the only story they knew of it was horrible. For some it was love.

The miraculous is not being barely alive when you are obese. A walking time bomb not going off is not miraculous. It’s refraining from eating everything you want to.

The miraculous is often in the restraint. It’s not standing there with a noose around your neck trying not to move so it cinches. It’s not getting the noose around your neck in the first place, whatever the noose may be.

It’s not just staying married for the sake of something or not getting a divorce it’s about even wanting to join with another and combine hearts, life and love with them.
Love is a miracle. Love is miraculous.

To me the miraculous is when people get up everyday to work in the freezing cold or the sterile cubicle to provide for their own not to mention also providing all the means for those who refuse to work and make terrible choices in life.

Every time you work you pay for those who don't. The people who won’t work or eat themselves into disease costing millions in healthcare, or having many babies while your taxes pay for them to do what they want to…that is selfless. It’s also the law but the law allows you to not work and live off of others so yes it’s selfless.

It’s not just in giving to the needy it's knowing them and loving them. It’s not just handing out food in a soup kitchen it’s having the people there around your own table or making a table for them in a park. Realizing we are one in the same.

The miraculous is not just answered prayer it’s being incredible when the answer never comes. It’s not the impossible coming through it’s when you accomplish anything you wish to when nothing comes through.

It’s the fact that kids in other countries laugh, dance and smile their beautiful faces off when they have no safety or anything at all let alone toothpaste or the ridiculous holiday presents we think kids can’t live without. That is miraculous!

It’s not winning a million dollars its knowing you are worth that much. That is miraculous. That’s why taking a man off the streets and giving him money and a job isn’t miraculous in this country especially when he is being used for a media circus. But for him to believe he is loved and worth more than money certainly is. It’s him finding hope and living a new life without dulling the pain. It’s believing all things and hoping all things for others.

So I start the new year in the midst of divine beauty and miraculous events - both small and large. Seeing how technology is causing true friendship to be missed at times and how the miraculous is always within us.
We were created in such a way.
And the true miracle is love.

Although childbirth is right up there, childbirth it won’t always cure selfishness. But the love that ensues will.
Love never fails.